Hella Screens

Hey rappers: bring back the jerseys

2012-02-12T19:25:00.000-08:00

Thunder Fab

Last night I decided to run through dozens of rap videos that came out during the jersey era of rap. You know, the Before Skirt period. It was quite the emotional ride. I miss a lot about rap in the early 2000's, but the strength of the jersey game is one of the aspects I miss the most. Jamaal from Yahoo! Answers also wonders where the good times went. Back when shots of a rapper's crew showed dudes wearing ABA jerseys of players they couldn't name, and Fabolous was making soft songs while wearing hard jerseys. Basketball and rap was intertwined in a way that was much cooler than J. Cole cradling a ball on his mixtape cover. Some of my favorite moments/people/jerseys from this era are listed below.

Wonder what jersey City Spud woulda pulled out

Here we have Murphy Lee dancing around in a St. Louis Spirits Moses Malone jersey. Not pictured here is Fernando Vina, who later joined in on the fun (not kidding). The Moses Malone jersey by itself is awesome, but it's the orange upside down visor that knocks this shit out of the park. Murph taught us an important lesson: it's about more than just the jersey. If only Slo Down would have reinforced this lesson with a custom Cards mask.

During this era, certain jerseys REALLY got around. Give me enough time and I could probably find you ten instances of rappers wearing the Shareef Abdur-Rahim "throwback edition". Then there was Bone Crusher. Crusher, I'm sure, had plenty of opportunities to cop his own Shareef uni; instead, he went with the lime green Antoine Walker version in XXXXL.

"WE HAVE TO GET A PLANE AND SHOOT HIM DOWN"

Speaking of Bone Crusher, I believe he and Lil Wayne bought their jerseys in the same size. Underneath is a pic of Wayne cruising around town on his four wheeler with a giant Bill Russell jersey on (although it's hard to tell how big it is since he's sitting down - I beg you to trust me on this one).

No longer rides on the back of Baby's four wheeler

Cash Money didn't play a huge role in the jersey era, which is why we should be thankful that a different Louisiana collective was around. I'm talking about No Limit, of course. Wait, no, I'm talking about the NEW No Limit. New and improved, baby. Used to have Mystikal, now they have Choppa. Used to have Young Bleed, now they have T-Bo, who, in the screencap below, will sum up the jersey contribution made by the New No Limit. You spoiled us, P.

The hat works

Don't get the wrong idea; if I ever had the chance to get my very own Washington Bullets inspired P. Miller jersey, I would have. No question. I spent a lot of my childhood being violently jealous of Lil Romeo.

It's Lil Flip time. Flip is a future first ballot Hall of Fame jersey wearer. He had everything from your standard Alex English jersey, to a super rare Sleepy Floyd jersey. OK, so I can't prove he had a Floyd jersey, but I'm not willing to rule the possibility dead. Point is, Flip rocked more jerseys than Chucky Brown. Jewelers don't make these pendants for just anyone.

Steering wheel

Up top is a pic of Flip, David Banner, and a gang of other dudes taken from the "Like a Pimp" video. Notice almost everyone has jerseys on, and also notice the area codes stitched to the front of Flip and Banner's jerseys. Like the no. 504 P. Miller jerseys, these were customized to represent the rapper's region. All of the area codes I know were learned because of this trend.

Cover your eyes, people who are both Laker and WC fans. I present to you all, the day WC showed up to Tha Bassment wearing a LAMAR ODOM CLIPPERS JERSEY. Son of a bitch. For a guy who boasted about his Lake Show fandom (and still does, which you already know if you follow him on Twitter, meaning you most likely don't already know), he had some nerve banging the blue and red on national TV. I remained a fan of WC, but it made me question how genuine all that c-walkin' was.

Still has that facial hair. At least he's loyal to something.

And, finally, we have the logo'd out clothing. There was nothing hotter than having the whole Eastern Conference represented on your left pant leg. Or, in the Dips case, your leather jacket.

Look at how much Capo and Juelz are enjoying the jersey era

Enough for today. Wouldn't be right if I didn't leave you with the go-to jersey era sign-off: peace out.

A letter to Hip Hop

2012-02-01T20:53:00.000-08:00

The good die young

Dear Hip Hop,

Not a day goes by where I don't think about you, bro. Philly got a huge win tonight against the Bulls. It was awesome, you would have been so jacked!! Looks like Coach Collins has the boys playing the type of ball that could lead to something major. They're flying around on defense, and making the turnovers count. Sometimes I find myself looking to the sidelines after a big slam jam from Iguodala, hoping to catch a glimpse of you doing a two-step for the fans. Even though you aren't there, I know your spirit looms, and is felt by every 76er fan in the building. Honestly, your post-death presence is inescapable.

Overall it's been a pretty sweet season. Andre is having his best year, and is, without a doubt, the top perimeter defender this league has. Too bad he probably won't make the All-Star team. Total bummer. But like you always said, "If they act like you aren't there, you don't stop dancin', you dance harder, and you get in their faces and let it be known that the dancin' won't die. It's either them or the dancin', and the dancin' is ready for war." I've actually overheard Doug quoting this in the huddle a few times.

Dre isn't the only one making things happen; it's been a real team effort. Jrue is starting to find his groove as a point guard, although there have been some growing pains. One night he'll look like a future top five point guard, and the next night he'll remind us that he's only 21. I think of all the players, he was the most affected by your passing. Both of the rookies have stepped up massively, and I'm sure they've heard a ton about you from the vets. In Philly, the whole is now greater than the sum of its parts, and the result is a much improved product on the court.

The front office has made some big renovations as well. For instance, they brought in world-renowned Broadway lighting designers to make this place glow. Man, your dunks would look SICK under these lights. They're also doing a solid job of pushing the Sixers on various social media platforms. I know you thought Twitter was only for "conceited chicks that I can't be messin' with," but I bet you'd open an account now.

I can't forget about the new addition to the booth. Malik Rose is now co-piloting the Sixers' play-by-play. He adds a whole new flavor to the broadcast - you'd love this cat.

OK man, I have to run. There's more I want to say, but I don't know how. So, I'll leave you with this...

P.S. Remember a few years back when you helped out at that city parks event? Well, I found one of the photos you took. That baby loved you!

Would have been an amazing father

Slam dunks!!!!11!1

2012-01-31T21:46:00.000-08:00

Feared dunker

Thanks to Blake Griffin's monster slam, most of the world has once again started discussing the same ten awesome dunks they always discuss, and where Griffin's bang out fits into the bunch. There are kids showing a great deal of disrespect towards Alton Lister*, and uptight YouTube users voicing how unimpressed they have been with every dunk ever. By now we are all well prepared for the "greatest dunks" debate, because, you know, we've been having it for many years, and the amount of insane dunks isn't growing at a pace rapid enough to keep up. We go through the same routine with our friends ("This dunk is better than that dunk".."Nah dog, I'm tellin' you, this is literally the rawest shit I have ever seen in my entire life. He literally shits on his face."), and we watch the same pre-slam dunk contest shows on TNT. So, to break up the mundane cycle, I've rounded up five of my favorite lesser known slams. Maybe these are actually the five most popular dunks in your household. If so, you're a cool dude.

1. Shaq defaces Kelvin Cato

As you can see, the uploader has marked this one as "rare", and I think Kelvin Cato would prefer to keep it that way. I like the iso cam that follows Shaq as he gets up from a tumble, jogs down the court, and reaches the lane just in time for Elden Campbell to dime him up. What a pass. What a dunk. What a pass.

In "Mo City Don", Z-Ro raps that he'll "dunk on a punk just like Kelvin Cato." I challenge somebody to find me a clip of Kelvin Cato dunking on a punk. $10 reward. Dead serious.**

2. Brewer jumps over little person

Somewhere right now there is a person watching this and screaming at their computer screen, "HOW IS HE NOT ONE THE BEST PLAYERS IN THE NBA?? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE." It really doesn't. Also, I imagine this is the same thing Gerald Green yells as he watches videos of his own dunks. I swear, if one more good dunker fails in the league, I'm going to do away with my "Monster Dunks Per Game x 10 / 2 = All-Star Level Years in the NBA" formula. It's had some pretty bad misses lately.

3. Pargo avoids complete humiliation

That is Jannero Pargo, right? Had he attempted to make a play on the ball, everyone would know that's Jannero Pargo. But I admit, it's hard to envision Pargo putting himself out there to make a play unless it's happening in some alternate reality. Even then... Although, him slipping out from under Wallace does result in a post dunk fall, and those are always fun. And how about that Wallace?! Seriously, they need to get him in a slam dunk contest.

4. Hollins does it again

This is quite possibly the most defensive effort I have ever seen Andray Blatche give. And what does he get for it? A feature spot in the latest Ryan Hollins poster (just go with it). "NEVER AGAIN," said Andray Blatche (and he has kept his word).

5. Sura makes statement

I believe this was Sura's way of letting the world know he was a bad SOB, and he knew he was a bad SOB, and there was nothing anybody could do to stop him from being such a bad SOB. Stacey Augmon, on the other hand, was sending a totally different message.

See ya.

*Why haven't we seen an E:60 piece on ball players that are mostly remembered for the highlights created at their expense? [Cue Lister walking around a mall, getting things like, "HOW'D THOSE NUTS TASTE DUDE?" and, "YO LISTER I'M A HUGE FAN - SIKE! HOW'D THOSE FUCKIN NUTS TASTE MAN??!!" yelled at him.] And don't even tell me this story would be too demoralizing; have you seen the Scott Hall episode? HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKING SCOTT HALL EPISODE? I mean, sure, at least Hall is still active on the circuit, doing what he loves.

**Z-Ro gets a pass because the previous line is "I be stacking up chips like Lego." Finding a players name that rhymes with Lego isn't exactly the easiest task.

Griffin vs. Love

2012-01-28T21:51:00.000-08:00

Love before he cut out the Jucy Lucys

Blake Griffin or Kevin Love? I'm not sure. But this is how it plays out in my head when I debate between the two.

Pro-Love Me: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??

Pro-Griffin Me: Randy Foye took on the personality of his coach at the wrong time. Not that there is a right time to take on his coaches personality. A switch leads to OT.

Love: Foye wasn't trying to get wetted on. Love's hit step backs on better defenders - holler at the Spurs for confirmation.

Griffin: OK whatever. The Clips screwed up late - welcome to the 2012 NBA season. Even when Del Negro draws up something that could feasibly work (he has done this), the five on the court manage to mangle it. Except for Billups, of course. Mr. Big Shot is the closest thing we have to Jerry West.

Love: Yeah, probably.

Griffin: So, have you ever watched Griffin play?

Love: What?

Griffin: Just looking for a reason why you'd take Love over a once in a lifetime specimen.

Love: I'm taking Love over Griffin, not Rodney White.*

Griffin: HAHAHAHA!

Love: Chill out. My turn to ask a question: did you listen to Russillo last week?

Griffin: Here we go. Griffin can't stop taking the long two's - that's his game. He's somehow developed this reputation that he's all athleticism, because people are blind to his finesse.

Love: To Griffin's credit, he has gotten that percentage up to 33 (from 16-23 out).

Griffin: See. A couple more percent and he's officially unguardable. I'm not even including the step back three he flashed against the Lakers. Once that starts dropping, Love is dust.

Love: Seriously though, Griffin can't continue to take those shots from 16+ out. He isn't slumping; he can't make them. It was a problem coming out of college (one that was rarely exposed due to the fact he outclassed so many of his opponents), and it's a problem now. I'd rather be buried alive than stand on the opposite side of a Hubie Brown argument, but Griffin's repertoire doesn't include long j's. However, I do admire his thirst for an outside game. It's just that, in general, long jumpers aren't good shots - especially for power forwards. The more bad shots I see from Griffin, the more I like Love. Love is twice the shooter, and he doesn't abuse it. I know he's let the threes go a lot more this year, but the man is draining them at a 40% clip. There's a reason Love was hyped on the pick-and-roll/pop possibilities with Rubio.

Griffin: Please, Love was hyped because that's less shots he has to create for himself. And he read all the scouting reports that said Ricky couldn't shoot, and thought, "Oh shit, my put backs per game number is gonna explode!!" I concede Love has the edge as a shooter, but Griffin is more dangerous with the rock in his hands. I'll take Griffin's post game over Love's post game. This is an area that Griffin's freaky explosiveness is put on display. He can simply do things that Love's body will not allow him to do (losing weight has made him friskier, though). Griffin doesn't have an array of moves on the block, but the ones he does have make defending him hard as shit (bankers, monster spin move, powering for position like an ox). Once Griffin makes his way to the rim, he becomes super human. The majority of his work above and around the rim comes off as unscripted chaos. He throws himself around and contorts his body in mid air like no other player in the league. Half of the shots that go in, don't look like they should go in. Love has some touch and is more comfortable with his back to the cup, but he's not nearly as scary right now.**

Love: Two things: 1) What happens when he gets fouled? 2) What happens when he can no longer use the athleticism crutch?

Griffin: 1) Wilt Chamberlain sucked at free throws, too. WILT CHAMBERLAIN. 2) He'll just start playing like Kevin Love.

Love: That's what I thought. I imagine age being kinder to Love than Griffin. Love won't fall off the same cliff, and should be able to maintain this level of play fairly deep into his thirties. Griffin's recklessness is terrifying - he has to learn to rein it in. We might start busting out the "shell of himself" assessments of Griffin by the time he hits 30. Or we could witness a tragic post-dunk death of Griffin ala Antoine Tyler in The 6th Man. Those are really the only two options.

Griffin: Can't disagree. We are totally due for an in game death. Feel like we dodged too big a bullet with Eddy Curry.

Love: No kidding. Anyway, what else? How about the defensive side of the ball?

Griffin: Griffin by a little, in the same way Drake is a better rapper than Childish Gambino. Gotta stick with what you're good at. Gambino is a talented comedic actor; Drake played the Jimmy/Hazel/Ellie love triangle with maturity beyond his years. Love and Griffin aren't bad on defense, but that's not the side of the court they belong on. Alright, one could call Love bad on d. Love is pretty damn bad on d.

Love: To counter the hate, I must point out that Love is a better passer and rebounder. You can't talk Kevin Love without mentioning his world class outlet passes. In that category, there is no one better. And those outlets tend to overshadow how skilled a passer Love is overall. As for Griffin, he is good at passing in obvious passing situations. Love defines the "pure rebounder" tag with insane box outs, an immovable base (which, in my eyes, hasn't gone anywhere after the weight loss), and great timing/anticipation. Griffin has also been a top level rebounder, mostly in part to his strength, and, you guessed it, athleticism.

Griffin: Enough. Let's set the stage: you have gained ownership of an NBA expansion team in New Jersey - a team that is supposed to make up for the Nets. The NBA feels so bad about the Nets that they are allowing you to steal either Kevin Love from the Wolves, or Blake Griffin from the Clips. Who do you take? Griffin, obviously.

Love: Go Love, hire Don Nelson, and never look back.

- END OF CONVERSATION IN MY HEAD -

Honestly, I can't stand firm on either side. I think Love will have a longer, more consistant career, but Griffin has the potential to blow up the league with seven or eight killer seasons. For a game tomorrow, I want Love. For many games and many seasons, I want whichever player will get me Brook Lopez back in a trade with the Nets. You're welcome, New Jersey.

*Apparently the Internet has everything but Rodney White college highlights. As a result, it's now our duty to pass on the "why did Rodney White get drafted ninth" answer to future generations. Easier said than done.

**I didn't mention Griffin's obsession with dribbling between his legs. It's the fucking worst.